Memories Are Too Cold
by black-journal
Summary: Set during PoA, when Remus realizes that Pettigrew has to be alive and that he has thought his closest friend guilty of a crime he did not commit. The memories of their last encounter are too cold.


Author: Black-journal  
Disclaimer: I own none of this  
Rating: T (just to be safe)  
Pairing: Sirius/Remus  
Summary: Set during PoA, when Remus realizes that Pettigrew has to be alive and that he has thought his closest friend guilty of a crime he did not commit. The memories of their last encounter are too cold. So as soon as Sirius appears on the map, Remus goes off to mend old wrongs.

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_How Harry knew about Peter was one thing. But the fact that he claimed that Peter was still alive was another entirely. How he had gotten his hands on the map was entirely beside the point. As Remus Lupin spread the Marauders Map across his desk and studied it, he saw no sign of Peter._

_He sat back, smiling sadly. It was a nice thought to imagine that Peter was somehow alive._

_But Sirius had killed him._

_Remus remembered so clearly the last time he had seen Sirius._

It had been after they'd graduated, shortly after James and Lily had chosen a Secret Keeper. All of the old gang had gone out to the pub to celebrate their continued survival. So many of their classmates had already fallen to Voldemort and they were determined to keep James and Lily from joining that number. Especially because Lily was now a mother.

All of them had vowed to give their lives to protect their child. It only seemed fair. Remus couldn't imagine that anyone would ever want to marry a werewolf. Peter was unlikely to as well, mostly because he was unattractive, but there was something repellent about him that could not quite be put into words. Sirius, while a lady's man, had shown precisely zero interest in ever settling down and having a family. James and Lily's children might be the only heirs of the Marauders and as such, were going to be treated as children to the lot of them.

It was nice to see how James had settled down after marrying Lily. How he had one arm protectively around her, how her head rested on his shoulder, how they shared soft smiles and gentle kisses throughout the celebration. Sirius mocked them often and loudly, but Remus was sure there was more than a little jealousy in his words. Sirius had had a crap home life and had never seemed to really recover from it. Sirius was jealous of the love that James and Lily so clearly shared.

Or perhaps he was just being a malicious sod.

Remus reflected that that might well be the truer of the two. Whatever one could say about Sirius, kind and gentle weren't among them. Sirius was a troublemaker and could be genuinely cruel when he wanted. He could also be a right pain-in-the-arse when he put his mind to it, and all of the Marauders had seen that side of him more than once.

Yet they all loved him as a brother. Just as they overlooked James's vanity and Peter's slowness and his own lycanthropy. When you were such close friends, the small flaws mattered less.

Peter left early, saying that he had to be up early the next day. They let him go, though not without a few malicious comments to follow him out the door. Lily pled tiredness shortly after, and although it was clear that James wanted to stay, he followed his wife out the door. Then it was just Sirius and Remus.

"You look far too worried, Moony," observed Sirius, downing the remainder of his pint. He was well on his way to drunk and appeared to show no signs of stopping. "You're not involved in this nasty business at all, I might remind you."

"I can still worry about you, idiot. Did you think about that? Voldemort will come after you...kill you."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "I can quite capably take care of myself, thanks very much. You should be worried about your own skin...or pelt." A drunken smile appeared on Sirius's face for a moment. "Your association with James is as known as mine. Sooner or later, Voldemort will be after you."

"You're the more important of the two of us. My death...okay, I won't lie. I'd prefer not to die, but my capture would mean less than yours would. I know you don't want to betray James and Lily...but Voldemort has his ways."

"I would rather die than betray my friends. Him, you, even Peter."

"A noble sentiment, I am sure. But how certain can you be that you can live up to that if the worst comes?"

Sirius took out his wand and put it to his throat. "I know plenty of spells that will kill me quickly and painlessly. If I am ever captured...put it this way, Moony. I will not let myself be captured alive. I would not risk the lives of my friends like that."

Remus hated that thought. "Put your wand away. You're drunk, and we've all seen the effects of your drunken spells." Creative re-decorating of the Gryffindor common room, charming all of their hair bright purple for a week, and nearly destroying the Great Hall among them. "I'd rather none of us die, to be perfectly honest. And you least of all."

Sirius leered at him. "Why me least of all? Why, Moony, have you suddenly realized your undying love for me?"

"Hardly, you stupid sod. But now that James has Lily, you are my closest friend."

Sirius leaned in closer to him. Remus could smell the beer on his breath and turned away with a grimace. But Sirius's hand shot out and suddenly clutched at his cheek, pulling him in.

The kiss lasted only a heartbeat before Remus pulled back, a wild look in his eyes. He stood up, breathing heavily. "What the hell, Sirius?" He wanted to blame the kiss on drunkenness, but there was suddenly something very sober about Sirius's entire demeanor.

Now, Remus was no homophobe. He had always felt that it would be rather hypocritical, considering all the prejudice that he'd faced. But he had certainly never considered engaging in any such act with another man. Least of all Sirius, the straightest man in existence.

"Like you said, Moony, we're all in danger. We might as well make the best of it. Come back to my place...spend the night...I'll make it worth your while..."

Remus was already starting to back towards the door. "Goodnight, Sirius. We'll talk again later, when you're sober." Remus just wanted to escape and regroup before he had to deal with Sirius again. He vowed to himself that he would not see Sirius again outside of the company of James and Lily.

Then things came up. Albus had owled him the following morning, asking him to Apparate to the Continent for a meeting with some of the European wizards. Remus was more than happy to oblige. It did mean he'd miss the ceremony the day after, but he sent his regrets and knew that all would be for the best.

He had been in France when it had all happened and he Apparated back to Hogsmeade as soon as he heard, ran the rest of the way to Hogwarts and demanded to see Albus. Albus had let him in immediately and told him everything.

Sirius had betrayed them. Sirius had betrayed them all.

_Remus shook his head. He hated thinking about that revelation. He had never thought Sirius capable of that. Sirius had gone to such efforts to distance himself from the rest of his family. How much of that had been a ploy? How much of that had just been to get close to all of them, to win their trust?_

_And Remus had to admit to himself, years later, that had Sirius been completely sober and had kissed him anyway, Remus might not have stopped him._

_He closed his eyes against the sudden sting of tears that emerged. He had no idea why he was on the verge of crying, whether it was for the deaths of Peter and Lily and James, or for the what-ifs and might-have-beens, or if it was even for Sirius himself. It was no excuse, but Sirius had been under such pressure from his family to turn to the Dark, and had appeared to resist so strongly to it. Maybe it had all just become too much. Sirius was just a man, after all._

_Then the tears were gone, replaced by a kind of disgust. Why was he sympathizing with a murderer?_

_That was when he glanced back at the map. And then rubbed his eyes to make sure he wasn't misreading._

_Peter Pettigrew was currently right by the Whomping Willow_

_Right with Sirius._

_What the hell? thought Remus._

_He grabbed his cloak as he left the room. Whatever was going on, Peter was alive. Which meant Sirius hadn't killed him. Which meant that Sirius wasn't a murderer. Except for the fact that he had sold out James and Lily. Or had he?_

_There was so much that needed answering._

_Remus thought that he finally deserved the truth._


End file.
